Blended Families

 

Hello everyone and welcome back to my blog! Today we have a topic which hits close to home. We have talked a lot about families and the role they play. We have talked a little bit about what can lead to a divorce between parents. However, what we have not covered is how to adjust to a blended family. A blended family consists when parents’ divorce and then remarry. This can be confusing when you have someone new stepping into a parental role. It can be awkward and uncomfortable while identifying the appropriate boundaries in order to efficiently create structure in the home. 

 

The reasoning for this topic being personal to me is because I personally have a blended family and have seen how poor boundaries can have a negative impact on the home. I would like to start off by making it very that my family is amazing and they were learning how to adjust as well. My parents divorced when I was twelve and my father remarried when I was fourteen. I would like to say that because I knew my step mom my whole life , it was easier, however that is not the case. I feel like the transition was even harder because she previously had a role in my life which was not as my mother.

 

At first, I was not okay with them dating because I thought it was weird. Shortly after I saw how happy my father was and that is all I ever wanted for him. It felt like only a short amount of time before they got married and life changed drastically. I have twin step sisters which I adore with my whole heart and I have always considered them as my sisters from when I was born. My step sisters adjustment was easy because in a way I felt like I had always looked out for them. The main struggle was my step mom due to the difference in parenting styles and discipline. I know from experience, my step mom has a tendency to overstep her boundaries when my siblings or I am talking with my dad. It has caused strained relationship between my sisters and my father. 

 

There are a couple of things to take into consideration when combining and creating a blended family. First, In order to accept and or understand the changes within a family it typically takes about two years before it can be perceived as normal. Also, The birth parent needs to do all heavy discipline. Next, the step parent should be equivalent to a favorite uncle or aunt, the reasoning for this is because they children should see them as friendly, respect them, and look up to them. Most importantly it is important for the parents to spend time behind closed doors talking about how to navigate parenting their children. I believe this to be the most important because there have been numerous times when I would be having a conversation with my dad and my step-mom would interrupt, and not agree with the decisions we were deciding to make. Therefore, after having a good conversation with my dad the whole atmosphere and conversation would change for the worse. It is important for parents to be on the same page and set boundaries of what is and what is not okay.

 

Another struggle which is hard to navigate was religious views in the home. My step mom ended up converting to the LDS faith a couple of years after they got married but my sisters did not. It became confusing on the guidelines and what was considered to be “acceptable” and what was not. The conversations based off of faith and pushing religion onto my step sister actually pushed them farther away. This all comes down to effectively communicating what is best for the children and acting on a plan which is designed for all parties. 

 

I know this week’s blog was more of a person experience then it was of educating you all on how to healthily blend two families together. My hope however, is that through these experiences you may be able to identify what not to do. In addition, I pray you are led by the spirit in all conversations, confrontations and interactions. I promise that when seeking Heavenly Fathers council and acting off of the promptings of the spirit you will be able to make steps towards the two families becoming one.

 

 

 

Parenting - What Should I Do?

Hello everyone and welcome back to my blog! Today I will be talking about parenting. Why do you think it is important for us to educate ourselves on ways to improve our parenting? I would say it relates to every aspect we have talked about on this blog since the beginning. Everything relates back to parenting and how with changing times we owe it to the future generations of our families to be prepared. Prepared for what you may ask? I will tell you this, we live in a fallen world where todays temptations are going to be minor compared to what is to come. With that being said I want to address the parents, what would you be willing to do for the safety and effective upbringing of your children? 

Michael Popkin is a creator of active parenting programs. He provides information on how we can make proper parenting choices. I am not a parent and most likely will not be one for a while. However, I tend to share a lot of my personal experiences from my childhood and my parents separation. Something Michael Popkin’s says really stood out to me, he claims the purpose of parenting is “to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which they live”. I love the key word “survive” because I really do believe the future generations of our children are going to be facing a spiritual battle. The world is continuing to go into a direction which is far off of our values and morals as a congregation. For this reason it is imperative that our children are raised in a household with a strong foundation in the gospel.

When breaking it down into simpler and a more clear understanding, for our children’s sake it is important to protect, prepare, survive, thrive, the world in which they live. This includes present day, the near future which may be presenting itself, transitioning into adulthood and eternity. Now, you may be asking, why is this important? This is crucial to the success of parenting because times are constantly changing. I will tell you my experiencing as a child were different. My father worked a lot and I had to learn how to be a man from other people, some were not the best influence. My mother was sick and struggled with addiction and she was in no place to council me on the adventures and changes I was going to be facing. I found myself having to figure out a lot of things for myself. This was challenging but in the end it made me a better version of myself and I know what I want to change for my future family one day. 

Michael Popkin’s lists a couple of different qualities which are important for parents to teach their children. Those qualities are: courage, self-esteem, reasonability, cooperation, and most importantly, respect. These are all things which I struggle with as a child. I did not have the courage to speak what was on my mind because I felt it was minimal compared to the other challenges which our family was facing. Self-esteem was a huge one for me. I pushed down my feelings and did not believe in myself because I felt like I did not have the support at home to do the things which made me happy. Reasonability, is an interesting one. In all honesty I had to learn the hard way, through some negative experiences, how to take reasonability for my actions. Cooperation was something taught at a young age because of church obligations and finding opportunities to be of service to others. My dad taught me how to be a team player and things get done more efficiently when working in numbers. Respect, I was always taught to respect other people and is a quality I hold dear to my heart today. I feel like within our culture we are taught to respect everyone. However, the world has a different view and I feel like the meaning of respect has lost its value. I share these experiences because I want to show you all the effects of these qualities not being taught. 

With parenting being the topic, I want to close by focusing on the purpose of the father regarding his children. He is responsible to preside, provide, and protect over the family. The mother is responsible for nurturing them. We learn of these reasonability’s within the Family Proclamation. When my parents divorced my relationship with my father reached a new level of intimacy. I believe my father is the best man in the world and if I can grow up to be half the man he is then my life would have been a success. He taught me how to look after the family, even if they do not want to be looked after. He taught me how to provide and look after our family members by teaching from his example. Finally, he taught me how to protect each other over all else. He protected me from the world by creating a home with a strong gospel foundation which shifted my life for the better. Please, I beg all of you, raise your children within the guidelines of the church and they will be in God’s hands and protection. 

Fathers & Finances Within The Family

Hello everyone and welcome back to my blog! This week we are talking about an important topic, especially when talking about the importance of family. It is not the most popular topic but anyone who is married and starting a family know how important it is. Finances are a stressful part of any family situation and often lead to added stress and conflicts within the home. When looking to pursue a relationship further it is imperative to discuss your financial status and spending habits. The reasoning is because of the communication which needs to take place for how finances need to be monitored or implemented when having a family.

Personally, I have always struggled with the financial part of things. I have been working since I was sixteen when I was saving up for my mission. My natural impulse influences me to treat myself when I get my paychecks, after all I did work hard for the money which was going into my pocket. This is a behavior which I have been working on over the last couple of years and something I am really trying to address with the potential of starting a family of my own one day. The reasoning for addressing this behavior now is because when I start a family it is not about me anymore. The most important thing in my life will be my wife and my future children. Therefore, preparing myself financially and being responsible with my money is crucial to the development of my future family.

My future family and finances plays a major role in my reasoning for attending Brigham Young University. I was working in the substance abuse and behavioral health field back in Newport Beach, California. I was making really good money for my lack of an college level education and I was enjoying my life. I knew one day I would want to find myself an companion I could take to the temple. When pondering this decision through prayer and scripture study, I had a reoccurring conversation with my father replaying in my head. My father stressed the importance of the day when I would ask for someone’s daughters hand in marriage. He would remind me how the day will come when I will need to be prepared to tell her father how I will financially take care of her and our future family for the rest of our lives.

My experience consisted of watching a dear friend of mine getting sealed to her husband for time and all eternity. This sparked a fire in my soul to get my life in order and prepare for the next stage of my life. Since being at BYU I have become more confident in my future and what I can offer to another person. I would like to point out how although I am preparing myself for some big changes, my spiritual progression and testimony is growing on a daily basis.

My father taught me some important methods of budgeting and keeping my finances in order. Through my father’s experiences I feel like I was shown what not to do. My parents growing up would work overtime and wanted to make sure us children had everything we wanted, as well as were able to do all the fun family activities which would pop up. My mom struggled with addiction and was not working which put all of the financial responsibility on my dad. My family ended up falling apart, going through bankruptcy and our sense of a normal life was completely changed. Not only did my world change, but my parents divorced as a result of financial struggles, poor communication and other factors.

My father made some crucial changes when we moved out onto our own. He is a big fan of Dave Ramsey and his way of managing finances. I began to change how I would manage my money as well. We began to write down where every penny went from our paychecks. Credit and debit cards were dangerous because it was a lot easier to swipe a card than it was to get rid of physical cash. We implemented the envelope system, which consisted of us budgeting where every dollar went from out paychecks into our life. We budget things from bills, gas, food, activities, tithing, and what was left over would go into our savings account. In addition, it is important to set aside three months of expenses in case anything is to happen where you would lose your source of income. With Covid for example, many people were not able to work and having this backup would allow for less financial stress when looking for alternative forms of income.

In closing, I hope you take financial responsibilities seriously. Finances can be a reason for your family falling apart. I hope you can learn from my families experiences and protect your own. For the fathers or future fathers out there, I hope you teach your children the same lessons my father did with me. I promise it will bring your family and you all together. Until next time my friends!

Effective Communication & Problem Solving

 

Hello everyone and welcome back! We have an exciting topic to discuss today, communication and how it can be effective when problem solving. When I personally think of problems within the famiy, the main conflict would have to be communication between each other. Knowing how to communicate with your family members can reduce a lot of unwanted stress and anxieties. Typically once the conversation is over with, it appears the weight of the world has been lifted off of your shoulders.

As you all know based off of my previous blogs, I like to relate these topics to my personal experiences. I believe personal insight on these topics gives me s voice which is heard. I hope through my experiences I can guide others to see things through a different perspective. Hopefully, the ultimate goal is through my experience’s you may be able to prevent dangerous ones for your families or even yourselves. 

Effective communication is one of the most important tools I have today in my life. If you would of asked me a couple of years ago I would of laughed. I used to be the personal that avoided any conflict. I grew up in a broken home where I got used to my voice being nonexistent. I continued this behavior as I got older and I began to believe my thoughts and feelings did not matter. I know today that is false and I was trained to behave a certain way.

Effective communication is scary. If you are anything like me, I run through the scenario or hard conversation a million times. The hope is that I can find a scenario which ends the way I want it to. Typically, I tend to stress myself out and become overly anxious over having the conversation. This typically goes on until I cannot handle it anymore and I just have the conversation with an honest heart and loving perspective. I want to say nine out of ten times, I have found the conversation to go much better than my mind made it out to be. I always love to focus on the feeling of peace after having difficult conversations.

Today I have a much different perspective on this topic. Not only have I seen the negative effects within the family caused by poor communication. I had a first row seat of the destruction of an entire family based off of the inability to have hard conversations. Scary right? Actually it is not so scary when you really take a clear look at it. It could have been prevented as a result of two individuals sitting down and talking openly and honestly. Taking the time to listen to one another and be open minded to what the other person was expressing. We all have our own truth. I have heard many times how there are three parts to every story, your truth, their truth, and the real truth. We all experience and view things differently and we cannot truly understand the opposing side unless we try to understand their emotions and experiences. 

I would like to point out how through my experience I learned how to confront conflict head on. This does not mean I am confrontational, rather it means I do not like to hold onto unnecessary stress or tension between my relationships. I tend to gather my thoughts on the situation which is bothering me and have an honest conversation with that person. I have found the less time I have to think about it, the less I am to stress or fear the conversation. I have seen a drastic change in my relationships as a result of communicating to problem solve within those relationships. I have seen the rebuilding of a family, which is based off of open communication and talking about the things which are uncomfortable. I see the difference it makes in everyone’s lives.

I want to close by involving church culture into this post. As a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, I want to challenge all of you to invite the spirit into your hearts when preparing to have a difficult conversation. It is imperative to I invite the spirit into your hearts because these types of discussions should be based off of love and compassion. As we invite the spirit into our hearts we begin to strive to be like Christ. Maybe the real question we should be asking ourselves is, “how would God want me to have this conversation?” and “how can I strive to be understanding, just like I hope Jesus Christ will be on judgement day?” I promise as a result of taking this direction you will see a change in your relationships. 

Stress, Mental Health And Answers

 

Welcome back everyone! Today we are going to talk about one of my all-time favorite topics, stress and its role on every day life. Now, what is stress? Stress is a feeling of emotional or physical tension. It can come from any event or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, or nervous. Stress is your body's reaction to a challenge or demand. In short bursts, stress can be positive, such as when it helps you avoid danger or meet a deadline.

In the home a father may be under stress to provide and support for his family. The mother may be stressing to ensure everything is in order for when their husband arrives home. Children may be under pressure to fit a certain expectation or avoid conflicts within the home. All can be affected by finances, performance at either work or academics, extra circular activities, etc. Something I have noticed is the importance of communication. Individuals tend to let stress build up and finally communicate through an unhealthy response of blowing up on their family members and friends.

Personally, I am someone who thrives under pressure, if there is stress added to my situations it fuels a fire in me to get the job done. I used to think stress was always healthy until I had some experiences where my stress levels took a toll on my health. When I was informed I had to moderate my stress levels in order to recover, I laughed. I am not sure why I laughed if I am being completely honest, I think my young and naive mind thought I was invincible. The thought of stress being the purpose behind some unforeseen medical issues, baffled me. How could the one thing which helped me to thrive and perform be the very thing which took me out of the picture? I learned the importance of balance which can be applied too many aspects of life.

Stress can also be perceived as anxiety which is a normal response to life. I know I have been anxious from a young age and the two have always lived in harmony in my daily activities. However, anxiety can also be deceiving. This may occur when someone confuses the perception of danger by the actual danger. Once you perceive a danger it is all you begin to see, a good indication of anxiety is once you become hyper-focused on something. Another sign of anxiety I have witnessed is living in fear and future tripping. Anxiety lies to our minds and creates a fear of living in reality. Future tripping is when an individual cannot help but hyper focus on a certain situation which is coming up and goes through the situation in their mind over and over, obsessing on the result after the event.

Stress can also cause a level of depression. A simple way to remember how depression enters the scenario is what happens when someone gives up hope. There is an ongoing debate of the causes of depression and anxiety. Is there a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes individuals to experience these emotions on an elevated scale compared to others? Or is it a matter of thinking and in order to prevent the depression or anxiety is by changing how our minds process information. There are resources such as SMART Recovery, which stands for self-management and recovery training. The sole purpose of this resource is to correct your thinking to prevent relapses in behaviors. I agree this can be successful for some individuals but I also know some people need more. I believe there is no cookie cutter solution for every individual who struggles with depression, anxiety and stress. Each person should be provided the same resources but different ways to cope and recover. 

I would like to acknowledge my background within the LDS community and our spiritual principles which influence our daily lives. When it comes to stress, anxiety and depression I am familiar with the substance abuse population regarding these struggles. SMART Recovery is an option for these individuals, it works for a small population but not all. Most individuals can change their thinking and behaviors but tend to adjust to other programs which are spiritually based. 12-step programs are designed by continual spiritual progression rather than spiritual perfection. It is centered around a relationship with a higher power which can restore someone to sanity based off of continual spiritual and behavioral maintenance. 

Personally I recognize a slight bias based off of my experiences. I am in recovery from addiction myself and I tried SMART Recovery which helped me correct my thinking, but it was not that simple. I needed God to heal me. The 12-step programs relate to the Atonement of Jesus Christ by their program of clean house, trust God, help others. These programs are a few of the options available but once again, I believe everyone is different causing cookie cutter solution to be arrogant and insensitive to those who struggle with mental health.

Being open minded about perspectives and changes in perceptions has allowed me to grow mentally and spiritually. I hope to of broadened your understanding of stress and mental health. Ultimately, I challenge you to come to a conclusion yourself by effectively researching further. Invite God into the process and let Him reveal the truth. Until next time! 

Understanding Sexual Intimacy

 

Hello everyone and welcome back to my blog! I have an exciting topic for everyone today and we will be developing a deeper understanding of sexual intimacy. Some may think this is an awkward conversation to talk about. However, it is important in any relationship. The main component is communication between partners. Your significant other may emotionally think they are not able to please you in the way you desire which can cause them to be more reserved and distant. Although communication is important it should be discussed with your significant other unless seeing outside professional help for further guidance and understanding.

 There are three stages of sexual intimacy, from where we start off to where we finish. These difference stages are arousal, plateau and climax. Now the important thing to remember when talking about sexual intimacy is how men and woman react differently. Men have a stronger initial level of arousal which allows them to reach their climax much faster than the women. Women take longer to reach different levels and typically can hit the plateau and sometimes not even reach their climax. This is important to remember because it can cause problems in relationships of men not being able to please their significant other.

These three stages can create many challenging opportunities between two partners however it can also be perceived as an beneficial opportunity. I believe God has a plan for everything and therefore we were developed a certain way for a reason. I think God created men to sexually react quicker than women for an important lesson. Sexual intimacy is sacred and should be shared between a husband and a wife, once they are properly married. I believe God developed men like this in order to force them to think about their wives when they are being intimate. My reasoning for believing this is because these sexual experiences are supposed to be shared. It is not about the man or woman being please. It is about the coming together of two people and expressing their love towards each other. This process provides a husband to be selfless and think of their wives as they are being intimate in order for both of them to reach climax and be sexually pleased together.

There is a common cycle with women and men when it comes to being sexually intimate. Men typically refer to sex as a way to feel safe, warm and close to their significant other. Women tend to need to feel safe, warm and close to their significant other to consider being sexually intimidate with them. This is another key component to take into consideration because it illustrates how the male and female body or mind, work differently. 

Sexual intimacy is the process of creating and releasing dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin. Females also have another chemical in their bodies called oxytocin. Oxytocin is the process of a female becoming attached and connected to their sexual partner. It is common for females who have had multiple meaningless encounters to have a harder time becoming connected with their significant other. Normally men do not have this initial reaction which can cause women to become insecure and struggle mentally if the male does not purse a relationship with them. Mainly causing mental health symptoms to develop which make women react different and ultimately struggle to develop a mental or emotional connection with their significant other.

Another factor to take into consideration is the anatomy of men and woman. Men have an exterior anatomy which shows an instant reaction, while women have an internal anatomy which is harder to see or identify. Typically men’s sex drive can be a controversial conversation between a couple. Often women can say things like, “All they want is to have sex with me 24/7”. Although this may seem true it can also be explained. Men bodies become sexually active every two to three days and women can take up to twenty eight days for their cycle to restart of them wanting to be sexually intimate. This is important to remember when being in a relationship because it explains the differences in sexual interactions. It is important because your significant other many either appear to be too interested or not interested at all and it all comes back to the anatomy and how the body works depending on gender.

The ultimate goal of today’s blog is to help you all understand the process of sexual intimacy. This is still considered to be sacred to the LDS community although the world does not see it that way. I hope everyone chooses to wait until marriage to experience the intense emotions which go with being sexually active with someone you truly love. It has been proven that those who have less or no sexual interactions before getting married have a better relationship due to an emotional connection which has not been interfered with. I hope you all get to experience this part of love with your spouse one day. 

Meaningful Proposals

Today I am happy to talk with all of you about a trending topic within the LDS community, Last week we talked about dating and this week we are going to talk about engagement. Sounds exciting doesn’t it? I guess it depends on who you ask. I know personally I am excited for the day I get engaged and for the day I will marry my eternal companion, however I am still looking for her.

I want you to take a minute to think about engagements today and how they are done. Would you say people put a lot of thought into how they propose to their significant other? Or do you believe the proposal has been influenced by the content someone wants to post on their social media accounts? The reasoning for this is because I want to challenge all of you to take a deeper look at modern day proposals. Has today’s society lost the meaning and purpose behind the proposal?

I recently helped a friend propose to his now fiancé. When planning this special day he informed me how he wanted all of these people to be present for the proposal. At first we were going through all of the details and trying to make it work for everyone. However, there came a point when he had to take a step back and realize the real purpose behind this special event. I encouraged him to stop thinking about what everyone else wants or what their ideas were. I reminded him how this was going to be his special day between him and his future wife. Once all of the extra pieces were taken out of the scenario everything started to piece together. In the end he was able to have a proposal which was intimate and personal to them without the need for the flashy Instagram post or pleasing of everyone involved.

I share this story because of the importance behind it. I am personally an old soul and I believe in doing things the old fashioned way. I believe the old way of doing things to be much more meaningful and passionate. When the day comes for me to propose to my future wife I want it to be special and unique for us. There was a time when I thought I wanted a big proposal and I was consumed by social media. However, what is the real purpose behind everything? Am I proposing to my future wife because I want everyone else to approve or because I want her to approve? 

The purpose behind a proposal and a man getting down on one knee is important to take into consideration. The meaning behind this simple action is imperative. I say this because it symbolizing many important gestures for the rest of your life. When a man gets down on one knee he is humbling himself before his future bride. The old fashion way of doing things may have developed a bias but I believe it shows how an individual will worship and put their significant other above them in all things. The things which are shared and the moment which is created between two souls is a beautiful experience. 

I believe in it is necessary to get the blessing of your significant others family. After all, how the two families blend will be crucial to the success of the marriage. I often hear nowadays that men are proposing long before they meet their future families. This causes contention and I perceive it to be disrespectful to the significant others family. A fathers blessing to take their daughter in marriage is old school but is sacred. It creates a bond between the husband and father. It connects them with the most important part of what marriage and proposals are centered around, the bride to be.

Now I want to take a second to ask you, when the day comes for you to get engaged, do you want a grand gesture which pleases the population or do you want a moment which is beautiful and special to you? Do you want a man to get your fathers blessing and get down on one knee or do you want them to do things untraditionally? I know our culture is different than most but I believe in the importance of family and eternity. When making these decisions it should not be made without the council of our Heavenly Father. With His help we may be able to make the appropriate decisions which will ultimately lead us into eternity with the combining of two families.